And I will release you from all of your torment, stir up trouble you cant ignore

LOL!!!!!!! seriously?! hahahahaha.

whatev.

so last night was fun.. i drove to barnes and noble and left my car there, bailey picked me up. we drove to peter glen to get her boots, and nicolas called and said they wouldn't be able to make it cuz the traffic was bad.. i had answered the phone and i had a cow. i told him we'd been looking forward to this all week and that i had such a bad week, and he said 'we'll stick it out a few more mins and see if it gets better, we'll call you'

bailey and i decided to eat because she was starving, so we told them we'd still meet them in jupiter but we needed to eat dinner. they said they'd come even tho there was traffic, so we were psyched. :) we drove to jupiter, and they got there about 10 minutes after us. we met at a gas station, hugs all around, etc.. then we went to duffys so the guys could eat. they ordered crown and waters, and bailey and i just ordered water. they were like 'not drinking?'..but we look like babies, so why would we do it in a restaurant.

troy, who i haven't seen since august, was like how have you been, etc..and i was like bleh..and nicolas said 'she was dumped.' yeah.. thanks buddy, lol. so troy was like 'what happened' and i told him. he was like 'ugh, don't even think about it, here have some crown' so i drank his drink.. and then he got another, and i drank it too. he didn't care, cuz he got an early start on drinking yesterday.

they were being dorks in the restaurant, talking about troy's room mate, who they nicknamed 'the squirter'..and there was a family in the next booth. the mom kept giving them 'omg' looks, which i couldn't tell if it was a... 'omg why are these 40 year old men with these young girls' or 'omg why are these 40 year old men talking about sex with these young girls' either way, they were outta control

and in the parking lot troy claims bailey and i raped him. because he hugged me cuz i said something silly, then said 'look, she's so drunk she can't keep her hands off me' so i said 'oh yeah, you caught me' and made like i was groping him. then he pinned me to the car and grabbed my hair like he was trying to pull me away from him, and bailey went up behind him and hugged him, so he was like 'damn i'm being raped from both sides!' nicolas came back and said he was lucky

then we went on a hunt for a liquor store, but for some wild reason, they were all closed really early. so, troy was sitting in the back with me (which he insisted on, because he said he was trying to get me drunk and bailey couldn't receive the benefits of his hard work) and he asked who it was that wanted liquor.. i said i did because of my bad week.. so he pulled out a little flask of jager and i had a few sips of that.. then he made me a crown and 7up in like a large 7eleven cup. i kinda drank it all.

troy was outta control, cuz he hates back seats. he's claustrophobic, but had wanted to sit next to me. so to..uh.. releave his stress, i guess, he kept pulling my hair and biting me. he was outta control. gotta say, tho, it was way nice to be sitting next to someone, flirting, and to have his arm around me. and i've got his number now. he's a little bit of a whore, but i'm not looking for a relationship either. so, it's whatev. he's a fun guy. they both are.

so, we couldn't find a liquor store, so we just ended up saying our goodbyes and gave hugs and kisses. they're a lot of fun, i hope it's not too long before we see them again. :)

i lost a really good friend today, and it sucksucksucks.

no. lost is the wrong word, because it's not DONE done.

though...i could still be sent away whenever i do go back.

and... i do wonder how things could be different if i hadn't been such a slut.

meh. anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it. i need to work on letting go and just being ME for a while. i need to be selfish and be alone and learn what i want and need. i need to be ok with what he did, so i can be ok with him as a person, so it's not an issue within our friendship. i know i'll be able to be friends with him.. i just don't know when.

anyway. FUCKING CRUNK DAY. gosh. i've needed this. going to jupiter with bailey to meet up with troy and nicolas. and we're going to drink. not just drink, but drink and i'm pretty amped. @#%#$%@ :D:D:D

1 week since the 1 month mark of the relationship.
2 months since the last time i spoke to michael.
3 little cuts that no one will see.

this..is SO unfair. that i was such a good friend, that i was a good girlfriend, even. that i loved him, and dealt with so much shit for him. and not only does she win, but she'll probably even get the satisfaction of knowing that NOT OONLY did he break up with me, but he also told me that it was all..entirely fake. and no, there's more. entirely fake AND just to get back at her.

thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 cuz i REALLY needed to be MORE depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck.

and you're the adult here, darling? seriously, take a little more consideration when dealing with REAL PEOPLE and their lives and feelings. just because hanna's a fucking flake doesn't mean the rest of us don't count. i love how the excuse about the others was that it was christmastime and you hate letting people down. you've let me down far more than i could explain, and not just because you don't love me. because i would do anything for you, as a friend or otherwise, and i get my heart stomped in return. seems like a fair deal. thanks, again, for making sure i started off the new year the right way.

[edit, 30 seconds later: ....i'm sorry. i.. just hurt.]

bleh, i never update this stupid thing.

finally brought sonny home!!!!!!! and he got a tour of boca yesterday :D:D:D i took him to petsmart and target and he met katie and shannon and alison and gail and melissa and stephen and kelly. :) all that's left now is to introduce him to bailey. :D and anyone else that wants to meet him, i suppose.

ugh, my grandmother is already vacuuming like he's ruining her house. :( my poor baby is so misunderstood. it isn't his fault he sheds. i really have to get him shaved..OR MOVE AWAY FROM HERE.

also, i hate driving on the interstate, and i'm driving my cousin to scumrise this afternoon...if i make it out alive, maybe i'll post again. :)

kay. my latest conclusion is that i have no friends.

let's review.

i move to nebraska..and don't really keep in touch with anyone. i make a few friends in nebraska.

i move back to florida. no one from nebraska talks to me anymore. hmm. nice. and one kid still has my dvd.

next.

i'm in florida.. and for the first few weeks everyones all <3<3<3 missed you. then there's this shift. like it's gotten boring again. like i only go out with them to hold their shit while they have fun. nice.

emily introduces herself to my...boyfriend.. all on her own, on myspace, then sends me edited versions of the conversations, where she edits out the times he "flirts" with her. then, she spits it at me at the beach one day, saying "he's not as good of a person as you think he is, he's been hitting on me" ouch. that hurt. then she sends me the real versions, and he wasn't even hitting on her. so all of that over nothing. i was mostly pissed that she edited (lied, really) instead of telling me that she thought i should know that blahblah.. that's what a real friend would do. whatever. so we're not friends anymore.

then one of my best friends(kelly) goes away for a week with her best friend(katie). i was happy for her cuz she loves new york and had wanted to go and all. and.. she says we'll hang out the day after she gets back. many times. then hangs out with her other friend instead.. ookay. nice. soo we finally do hang out (and i left my best friend's[bailey's] house early, i had gone over to say bye to her cuz she's in mexico for 3 weeks. and i left early. to hang out with kelly.).. and she's with me for maybe.. 10 minutes before calling three of her other friends. like i'm boring her and she needs other people. thanks. she makes me feel guilty, because one of her friends invites her to see a movie and i said i can't go cuz i gotta go to work early in the morning. so she goes "i would but..." and nods towards me.

we go to dennys, but first she calls katie. katie and shannon meet us at dennys. theyre going to see a movie. so kelly says shes gonna go with them. then kelly calls teresa. "i'm with katie and shannon"....okay. vanessa's just invisible. it's okay. don't worry about it. teresa comes, and teresa actually talks to me. then katie shannon and kelly have to go to their movie. we get in our cars, teresa says bye to me.. and.. kelly doesn't. mmk.

i text kelly a few days later because my aunt and uncle want me to, and ask her to come over. she responds iwth "sgfoudsfhia" so i say "fine then don't come over." she says she's just been feeling weird and doesn't wanna leave the house, doesn't wanna hang out with anyone, w/e. okay. i'm certainly not anyone to knock that. when i was depressed i did nothing. so we talked a bit tonight, and i explained to her that i'd been hurt, and she apologized and all.

then i go on myspace. and see shannon has left kelly a comment. i was kinda like hmmk cuz i didn't really know they talked much outside of katie. i went to shannons page, and kelly had left shannon a comment saying she stayed up playing a video game "after they left"

kelly has many other friends. and that's cool. i'm glad she's popular like she is. whatever. it's cool. i don't care who she hangs out with. but srsly.. don't tell me you don't wanna hang out with anyone, then go hang out with katie and shannon. just tell me, you don't wanna hang out with me. i can handle it. don't worry.

--"wtf, you're like shopping with my mom"

--"why are we going to borders, kelly, do you even read?"

--"awh, he's so cute, how much of a tip can we leave him? i wanna give him my number!"

--"you need to go out with my brother"

--"ok, kelly, like you haven't figured out i like guys at least 20 years older than me, by now?"

--"hey, vanessa, wanna put a little break in that u-turn?"

--"woah did you see the rims on that altima?!? look there's ghetto kids going ot it! it's a gangster car!! rims!! system!! tinted windows!! i want one!!"

--"i love kelly, a girl after my own heart"

--"i can't think and drive at the same time"

--"ohh you read magazines."

--"change it to big lou"

--"this is why i'm hot.. cuz everytime we touch i get this feeling" ... "i'm never calling you again."

for such a boring day.. lots of funny quotes :)

the truth is, right now EVERYONES being gay.

mmmmMMMmmmmmmm drama please, with a side of backstabbing. and can i get a little vindictiveness with that?

grow up. not kidding. grow..up.. we're adults now, kiddos, we should be able to handle shit without flying off the handle. who really wants these last few weeks to blow? NOT ME. that's why i came abck, to get away from stress and drama. you should all start appreciating what you have and stop the lyiing, backstabbing, vindictive shit. let it go. live and let live.

Today.. I made my first black friend since moving to Omaha.. Wow. I've been living here for..how long? 7 months? That is sad. Or maybe I just think so because I'm from South Florida, where everyone intermingles. In South Florida, we have some interesting things going on that the midwest just doesn't, and I'm not even including sunlight. See, in the South.. you know, the land of slavery and hatred, EVERYONE got along. Hispanic kids were friends with black kids were friends with white kids were friends with Asian kids..it was easy. No, I'm not claiming perfection in the South.. but, I'm claiming attempt. Here, ethnic diversity is so rare that the lack of attempt is completely ridiculous. There are so few people who aren't WASP's, why would any decent person want to further induce alienation by saying you can't be friends with me because of your race? W T F.. so like, this girl started talking today, and I answered her.. and she was blown away. This girl, of ANOTHER RACE..that she didn't know.. was talking to her. Fucking people. Fucking Nebraska.

Okay, while I'm in this ranty mood, let's talk politics. I hate how people judge others based on their political views. I HATE IT. I mean, come on, you're friends with someone..or related to them.. and you find out they have different political views than you do, let it fucking go. (OK-- Number one, if you let politics be THAT important to you that you're willing to start arguments with friends and family over it, you're a fucking tard.) Okay, we don't have the same beliefs. Have we not had fun up until the point at which you found out of these differences in opinions? What turns that into this big giraffe in the room? I'm a Republican. I would've voted for Bush if I could have. I support the troops, and the war. If Rudy Giuliani runs, I will vote for him. I'm sorry if you find that offensive. It's just me. I don't promote conformity, think what the fuck you want.

i think i'm bipolar. one day i'm like YEAHHAPPYHAPPYJOYJOYHAPPY
and one day i'm like fuck the world.

sometimes things sneak up on me, or i on them, and i choke, litterally, and fully.
i've stumbled across some things tonight that make my heart absolutely ache. i have to wonder, why does anyone bother? with me?
eff it.

My mom picked me up today absolutely seething. I asked her what was wrong and apparently she had a fight with Aunt Fran. Apparently she told her to get the fuck out of the house. Apparently I'm pretty much happy.

Apparently Aunt Fran came upstairs and said to my mom 'Oh I need to do two loads of laundry.'

Mom said 'Well, I've got stuff in there right now.'

Fran goes 'We need to TALK.'

..so my mom was like ok wtf is with the attitude..and she says out loud 'About what?'

Frans like 'Oh, STOP with the attitude.'

Then mom was like 'Listen, youre the one starting with the attitude. What do you wanna say?'

She says, 'I have to ASK to do EVERYTHING around here.. like I'm a CHILD.'

Mom was like "Listen..the only thing you need to ASK to do is laundry, and thats because I do laundry too.

And Fran goes 'I need to ASK to use the COMPUTER'

My mom was like .. "Its MY computer..so you're damn right you're gonna ask me to use it.. This is NOT your house, it's my house." And Aunt Fran just looked at her.. And then my mom said, "You got paid yesterday, you got 1000 dollars, did you even offer to give Eric some of what you owe us?"

She was like 'I'm NOT giving you people 400 dollars'

So mom was like..wtfever..and she put Nicholas in her bedroom..

And Aunt Fran goes downstairs saying "I gotta get out of here.. I gotta get away from THESE PEOPLE.. This is a fuckin house of horrors.."

So my mom went down stairs and said 'You better be packing your stuff, cuz I don't want you here anymore.'

Eric went down and talked to her when he got home. Apparently shes going back to Florida this weekend, saying she'll pack what she can in her car and she doesnt want the rest of it. Which of course is so she can tell people "And look at this, this is all I took, they wouldn't let me have anything else!"

Mom called grandma to tell her about it, and apparently she also told grandma about the ASSHOLE incident.

Mom asked Aunt Fran one day what she called her mom (my mom's grandmother). See, her given name was Palmer, but she hated it so she went by Phyllis. Aunt Fran replied "Asshole." How do you say you called your dead mother "asshole"? What a fucking jerk.

After all my mom and Eric have done for her.. she's a reeeeeeeal piece of work.

Know what I hate more than anything?

"For me."

Especially in relation to suicide attempts or self-mutilation.

Hello? If the person doing it is doing it... they've probably got a reason. A reason that relates to them. Maybe I'm looking at this in a selfish way, but if they're doing it for themselves, why would they stop "FOR YOU"...? I mean.. that's either appealing to the selfishness of the person saying it ("Don't kill yourself, because I'd be lost without you." FOR ME) or to the kindness of the person they're saying it to ("You're so nice, you wouldn't do this because it'd hurt me" FOR ME).

Either way it's fucked up. If someone's trying to hurt or kill themself they're doing it for a reason. I stand behind that 100%. People don't do that shit out of boredom. There's a reason. Always. It's almost like saying "I know you're sad, I know you hurt, but I'm more important so don't do it. FOR ME." Personally, that just spurrs me on. No. I won't stop FOR YOU. If anything I'll keep at it, despite of you.

While we're on the subject of things people say to those who attempt suicide, "Have faith. Go to God. Read the bible" are all right up there with the things that piss me off. I have my own faith. I talk to God. Don't tell me that because I don't do it in an orthodox way I won't be heard. I don't need to read the bible. I don't need to go to church. I don't have the fucking patience. I know God hears me. Don't be condescending because I don't feel like I'm getting any answers. Don't talk to me like I'm an asshole for taking things into my own hands.

Call me crazy, but I prefer the physical pain of a knife to the emotional pain that's ripping me up inside.

oh boy. party tonight.. at chuck e cheese. are you effing kidding me. lol. i know.

the way i see it-- i'm not a loser, my friends are.

'friends'

the one's i'm making here that is.

mostly high school sophomores.
but a few my age too.

dude. stfu. i know.

i just need human interaction.

as much as i'd like to be able to say shawn & co. are enough..no.
(would be if his children didn't annoy the h outta me, maybe.)

oh well. i'll update when i get home.

You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just- There's way too many just begging to be pressed, they're just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?

i hate life. do you believe it? i've actually gotten to the point where i can say with all honesty that i hate life. my mother took my brother to see his psychologist today. today's my day off..and i had been kinda hoping my mom and i could go, i don't know, hit the thrift stores or whatever poor people do. she just called me saying she's going to 'kill time' up there with my brother because he's gotta be back at 1. 3 hours at least. that kills the whole day. she'll be back between 2:30 and 4 maybe, depending on how long it takes with this doctor, and my whole fucking day off is killed. because i can't go anywhere.

and i'm upset about it. and i'm allowed to be upset about it. and my fucking jewel of an aunt over here, has to ask me why i'm crying. i told her i had been hoping mom and i could do something cuz it's my day off..and she goes off on how i'm selfish because my brother needs alone time with my mom because he's got problems. and i said yeah and he's the only one with problems? and she goes 'well i think his are bigger than yours' and i said yeah. of course. and she said 'why what problems do you have?' to which my response was none of your fucking business. all the things that i need to talk to the psychologist about. but i don't get in until the end of the month. because his problems are bigger than mine.

i find it hilarious, that i can slit my fucking arm wide open, but his anger issues are bigger than any problem i could have.

fuck her. and fuck everyone for that matter.
because i'm not allowed to want a damn thing.

Wow.

I'm back ljworld. This is so foreign to me now, I'm really having trouble remembering the days I used to do this all the time.

Has it REALLY been a year? Over a year? A year and three months almost?

Wow.

Gee.

When life was actually easy. When I was still near my friends. When the most I had to worry about was finishing a homework assignment. When Dakota and I were still friends. When I wasn't plagued by nightmares. When I still didn't know my father.. My God. What the hell has happened? Is this what growing up is like? I don't like it. Not one bit.

I guess we're all supposed to take the good with the bad.. but what happens when the bad outweighs the good? When you're trying to make your life work and you feel like you're just failing miserably?

now that the adulty stuff is out of the way, i can revert to my childlike self and do a real journal entry.

nebraska is weird.. i mean.. weird. it's cold one day and hot as hell the next. i'm making a couple friends..and there are some cuties..but i dunno.
i miss my kelly and her fake cry.
i miss my bailey and her gooberishness.
i miss my daniela and her cynicism.
i miss my family and their familyness.
i miss florida. wtf. i never thought i'd say that, ever ever ever.

i'll post again when i'm feeling angsty.
dfghbrnessahh.

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